My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
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Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Does beer think about me too?
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
God, I love Scotland
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*