The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
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I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it