Ok team, today we’re …..oh
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If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”