Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
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me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!