My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
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I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Best spoiler warning ever
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Air conditioning – not a fan
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*