Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
You Might Also Like
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz