when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
You Might Also Like
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…