[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
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Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
That took me a moment.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.