[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
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*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me