I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
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Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
i really liked this one
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?