Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
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Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief