Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
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Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I have never related to anyone more.