I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
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Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
I’M CRYINGGG
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Whoa 😂
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?