my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
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If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes