Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
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Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
🙁
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
A Short Story.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.