I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
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It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Carpe DM
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.