Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
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My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there