*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
You Might Also Like
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
FINE, I WON’T.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!