IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
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[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face