*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
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Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
🙂🙃🥹
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer