My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
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interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.