If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
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I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.