[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
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Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Does beer think about me too?
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.