Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
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Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.