bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
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Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do