cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
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I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button