[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
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hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.