T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
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I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Respect
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Batman v Dracula
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa