All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
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I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
fly smarter, not harder
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.