Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
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Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Breaking news:
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse