home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
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My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
How dude HOW?!
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?