Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
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I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Oops
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.