If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
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Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Can Happiness buy money?
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.