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Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I love it all
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner