Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
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Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Alexa; make it look like an accident
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft