*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
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Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
fly smarter, not harder
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.