me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
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*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this