Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
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me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
It’s the weekend y’all
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.