me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
You Might Also Like
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Twitter fine art
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.