*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
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if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?