I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
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Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
This fish is cracking me up
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way