Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
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damn he’s good
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.