*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
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Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”