The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
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7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town