Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
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Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
I love you…
…r dog.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”