uncle dave has been through hell
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Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
huge if true: the moon
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
the three genders
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?