‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
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*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.