“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
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A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT