“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
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Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020