One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
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“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Inside you there are two wolves